So, when I talked about retiring from the position of perfectionist writer on my last post, I wasn’t talking about retiring from this blog entirely. Really, I wasn’t.
But, whoa. Has life hit anyone else like a ton of bricks? I may write more about what I’ve been through soon, but, for now, I just want to get back here. I want to just visit this space again. I’ve struggled with how to do that after so much time away, and then I saw the August Break from Susannah Conway and I decided I could try that. A photo a day without the stress of words seemed doable.
And then I go and write a post anyway. :)
Well, maybe not a post. More like a quick list. When I was reading over my journal entries for blog fodder, I was happy to read over the epiphanies I’ve had recently, like reminders of how far I’ve come in the last few months. It hasn’t been easy, but I’d like to pat myself on the back for a minute. I’ve learned so much. And maybe, I’m just a little bit proud of me. Here goes:
- My best friend and counsel is always, always my intuition. There are no exceptions to this rule. (However, the trick is apparently in being able to hear your intution over the fear. I’m getting better at that.)
- Facing demons isn’t nearly as exhausting as maintaining the facade that I’m okay. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said the word “amicable” I wouldn’t need to sell website design. Here’s the deal: a year ago last month, I ended an eighteen year relationship. I’m not okay. And that’s just fine. It’s not easy. It’s not supposed to be. Sometimes, I get to be pissy, and lazy, and immature, and fat. And I’m okay with that. Because sometimes I’m going to be brilliant, and beautiful, and amazing. That’s just life. It’s traumatic for everyone. And it’s not about how well you sell it, it’s about how well you live it.
- Life is actually different now.
- Opening myself up to the role I played in the toxicity of my marriage was one of the most difficult and liberating things I’ve ever done. There is such power in admitting your humanness.
- It is okay to be firm, loving, compassionate, and completely unapologetic about what you need.
- Finally figuring out why you’re here is way more important than when you figure it out.
- For all of its drama, for all of its significance, the divorce was never what I was running from. It’s older, and deeper than that, which means that right now–this moment–isn’t “starting over;” this is beginning.
- It is never, ever one person’s fault. No matter how many or how grievous the sins committed against you, there is more at play than you can imagine, within you, and within them. Even the ugliest people have pasts and presents that are often filled with misery and loss.
- Breathing makes things better. Complaining makes things worse.
- Be yourself. Tell the truth. And be very clear about what you want.
So, here I am, at the beginning of the month of my thirty-sixth birthday, and I’m taking an August Break. I’m taking a break from expectatations, from worries about money, from punishment for not being thin enough, young enough, together enough.
I’m taking a break from shoulds–the shoulds that tell me I should be writing more, working more, working less, more patient, more compassionate, less angry.
I’m taking a break from my past.
I’m taking a break from judgment, from any pattern of thinking that’s inhibited me from living right now inthisverymoment. I’m taking a break from neglecting my art and myself.
I’m taking a break for breath.
And so, my pic for today is a teacup from a teacup collection I saw at a B&B I stayed at over the weekend. It’s the same set I had as a child.
And because, when I went to Susannah’s blog to get the badge, I saw this video and it completely swept me away I’m sharing it, too.
Watching that every day may be another part of my break.